Chris Rock’s Oscars Opening Monologue is a Triumph of Comedy


Chris Rock is not my favorite comedian. I’m far too conservative for his brand of crass, edgy humor – I prefer sticking to milder, less offensive forms of entertainment. That doesn’t mean that I don’t understand that Rock is a comedic genius or that I believe he should tone his act down. I am a fan of comedy and an even bigger fan of free speech, and while I may attend a Chris Rock show, I believe that he should have full latitude to say and do anything that he’d like, so long as he doesn’t infringe upon the rights of others. Such is the promise of free speech in our nation. Everyone has the right to say anything, even if, better yet, especially if, someone else believes that speech to be offensive.

On Sunday night Rock stepped into a very precarious situation. He had been tapped to host the Oscars in a year when African-Americans were lightly represented in the award show and cries of racism had tainted the event and the process by which award members are selected. Where some liberal talking heads saw systemic racism, other observers just saw “a down year,” but now it was Rock’s job to walk the fine line between African-American entertainer and African-American liberal. He did so with aplomb, by showcasing that comedy is meant to offend EVERYONE.

Below is a partial transcript of Mr. Rock’s fantastic opening monologue where he manages to agree that Hollywood is racist, while still offending the sensibilities of liberal race-baiting whiners like Will Smith and even coins a new (and helpful) phrase – “sorority racism.” I congratulate Mr. Rock on doing what comedy is supposed to do and offending anyone and everyone he could.

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Be forewarned: there is some offensive and uncomfortable content below.

Below is a full transcript of Chris Rock’s Opening Monologue.

Man, I counted at least 15 black people on that montage. Hey! Well, I’m here at the Academy Awards, otherwise known as the White People’s Choice Awards.

You realize, if they nominated hosts, I wouldn’t even get this job.

You all be watching Neil Patrick Harris right now. But, here’s the crazy thing. This is the wildest, craziest Oscars to ever host because we’ve all this controversy. No, no black nominees, you know? People are like, “Chris, you should boycott. Chris you should quit. You should quit!” How come it’s only unemployed people that tell you to quit something?

No one with a job ever tells you to quit. I thought about quitting. I thought about it real hard, but I realized they’re going to have the Oscars anyway. They’re not going to cancel the Oscars because I quit. And the last thing I need is to lose another job to Kevin Hart. I don’t need that. Kev right there! Kev makes movies fast. Every month. Porno stars don’t make movies that fast.

Now the thing is, why we protesting? That’s the big question. Why this Oscars? Why this Oscars, you know? It’s the 88th Academy Awards. It’s the 88th Academy Awards, which means this whole no black nominees thing has happened at least 71 other times.

OK? You’ve got to figure that it happened in the ’50s, in the ’60s, you know? In the ’60s, one of those years Sidney didn’t put out a movie. I’m sure there wasn’t no black nominees some of those years, say ’62 or ’63. And black people did not protest. Why? Because we had real things to protest at the time

We had real things to protest! Too busy being raped and lynched to care about who won best cinematographer. You know, when your grandmother is swinging from the tree, it’s really hard to care about best documentary foreign short. What happened this year? What happened? People went mad. Spike got mad. Sharpton got mad. Jada went mad. And Will went mad.

the OscarsEverybody went mad, you know. It’s quite like, Jada got mad? Jada says she’s not coming. Protesting. I’m like, “Isn’t she on a TV show?” Jada’s gonna boycott the Oscars? Jada boycotting the Oscars is like me boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited.

That’s not an invitation I would turn down. But I understand. I’m not hating. I understand you’re mad. Jada’s mad her man Will was not nominated for “Concussion.” I get it. I get it. Tell you truth, I get it. You get mad. Said it’s not fair that Will was this good and didn’t get nominated. You’re right. It’s also not fair that Will was paid $20 million for “Wild Wild West,” OK?

This year, the Oscars, things are going to be a little different. Things going to be a little different at the Oscars. This year, in the In Memorium package it’s just going to be black people that were shot by the cops on their way to the movies.

Yes, yes, I said it all right. Hey, if you want black nominees every year, you need to just have black categories. That’s what you need. You need to have black categories. You already do it with men and women. Think about it. There’s no real reason for there to be a man and a woman category in acting. There’s no reason. It’s not track and field. You don’t have to separate them. Robert De Niro has never said, I better slow this acting down so Meryl Streep can catch up. No. Not at all, man. If you want black people every year at the Oscars, just have black categories, like best black friend. That’s right. And the winner for the 18th year in a row is Wanda Sykes. This is Wanda’s 18th black Oscar.

But here’s the real question. Everybody wants to know in the world, “Is Hollywood racist?” You’ve got to go at that the right way. Is it burning-cross racist? No. Is it fetch me some lemonade racist? Naw, naw naw. It’s a different type of racist.

I remember one night I was at a fundraiser for President Obama. A lot of you were there. It’s me and all of Hollywood. All of us there. There’s about four black people there. Me. Let’s see, Quincy Jones. Russell Simmons. Questlove. You know, the usual suspects, right? And every black actor that wasn’t working. Needless to say, Kev Hart was not there.

So, at some point you get to take a picture with the president, you know. As they’re setting up the picture, you get like a little moment with the president. I’m like, “Mr. President. You see all these writers and producers and actors, they don’t hire black people. And they’re the nicest white people on earth. They’re liberals.” Cheese!

Is Hollywood racist? You damn right Hollywood’s racist, but it ain’t the racist that you’ve grown accustomed to. Hollywood is sorority racist. It’s like: “We like you Rhonda, but you’re not a Kappa.” That’s how Hollywood is, but things are changing. Things are changing. Yeah, we’ve got a black “Rocky” this year. Some people call it “Creed.” I call it “Black Rocky.” And that’s an unbelievable statement, because “Rocky” takes place in a world where white athletes are as good as black athletes. “Rocky’s” a science fiction movie. There are things that happen in “Star Wars” that are more believable than things that happen in “Rocky.”

We are here to honor actors. We are here to honor film. It’s a lot of snubs, but one of the biggest snubs no one is talking about. My favorite actor in the world is Paul Giamatti…. Think about what Paul Giamatti has done in the last couple of years. Last year, he’s in “12 Years a Slave.” Hates black people. This year, he’s in “Straight Outta Compton.” Loves black people. Last year he’s whipping Lupita. This year he’s crying at Eazy E’s funeral. Not that’s range. Ben Affleck can’t do that.

What I’m trying to say is it’s not about boycotting or anything. It’s just we want opportunity. We want the black actors to get the same opportunities as white actors. That’s it. And not just once. Leo gets a great part every year. All these guys get great parts all the time. But what about the black actors? Look at Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx is one of the best actors in the world. Jamie Foxx was so good in “Ray,” that they went to the hospital and unplugged the real Ray Charles. It’s like, “We don’t need two of these.”

No, man. Everything’s not about race, man. Another big thing tonight is you’re not allowed to ask women what they’re wearing anymore. It’s a whole thing: “Ask her more.” You have to ask her more.” Well, you know, you ask the men more. Hey, everything’s not sexism. Everything’s not racism. They ask the men more because the men are all wearing the same outfits, OK? Every guy in here is wearing the exact same thing. If George Clooney showed up with a lime green tux on and a swan coming out his ass, someone would go, “What you wearing George?”

And welcome to the 88th Academy Awards…

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