The Social Correctness Assessment Measure Test (SCAM Test)
Now that college loans are administered directly through the government courtesy of Obamacare so that student interest payments can be funneled into other parts of the government (such as funding health care, government administrative costs and deficit reduction), the Department of Education wants to initiate a new college entrance examination to ensure the social worthiness of loan recipients.
“We feel that the SAT and ACT test academic potential,” stated U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan. “However, we also feel that students should not receive government loans unless they are also socially correct. We prefer the term socially correct rather than politically correct. Therefore, we will be instituting the Social Correctness Assessment Measure Test (SCAM Test).’
He continued to explain that the test would test the student’s ability to be socially correct in an increasingly complex society. “For example, the SAT may have word definition questions on archaic words such as ‘integrity’ and ‘honesty’ while we will focus on words and phrases with contemporary application such as ‘gender’ and ‘right wing extremist.’”
The DOE currently has a panel of highly educated professors and social activists working on the test questions. They have released a sample of those questions, as follows.
- Select the pair that best expresses a relationship similar to the pair of:
Lying : Obama
a) Singing : Nightingale
b) Hooting : Owl
c) Chirping : Robin
d) Mooing : Goose
The answer is d) Mooing : Goose. It just can’t happen. Executive Order 1,666 was issued by the current administration to establish that any comment by this President of the United States is true as a matter of regulation. Therefore, it is as impossible for Obama to lie as it is for a goose to moo.
- How does one calculate unemployment? (In these examples ASW stands for actively seeking work)
a) Divide: (the number of people without a job who are ASW minus 10% because 10% of them are lying about ASW) / (the number of people who are working added to the number of all people who are ASW)
b) Count as high as you can in 3 seconds and append a % to the number.
c) Divide: (the number of people without a job who are ASW plus all of those who have given up on trying to find a job because they have been looking for years) / (the number of people who are working plus all people ASW plus the number of people who have given up on trying to find a job because they have been looking for years)
d) Divide: (the number of people without a job who are ASW by applying for twice the number of positions required by their state law to be considered as ASW) / (the number of people who are working plus all people without a job who are ASW plus all those part time workers who want to be full time plus all of those who have given up on trying to find a job because there are none available plus the number of aunts and uncles of everyone ASW)
The correct answer is d. Answer a can be discarded because it would damage the already fragile self-esteem of those who are only pretending to seek employment by not counting them in unemployment figures. Answer b can be discarded because you can get into double digits if you count fast enough. Answer c is correct mathematically, but SCAM is a test of social correctness, not math. That leaves us with answer d. Answer d is confusing to state. It results in a figure which is lower than reality and therefore, minimizes public concern over unemployment figures. It has the added benefit of denying the validity of objections to the fact that unemployment figures don’t count those who have given up. Even if they are counted as workers, but not unemployed, they are counted with this formula.
- One system of government which was held in contempt and feared by almost every Founding Father who participated in the formation of our government is:
a) A Democracy
b) A Constitutional Republic
c) An Hereditary Monarchy
d) A Parliamentary Monarchy
The correct answer is a, but it would tax the brains of too many ignorant people to insist upon this as the correct answer in SCAM. They would have to cultivate an understanding of a democracy and a republic and maybe even some other forms of government. Since we have eliminated this correct answer due to sensitivity to common ignorance, the task becomes one of deciding which answer to call correct. We could decide on c as having been despised, but this runs counter to the narrative that we really had no good reason to rebel from this kind of government. The parliamentary monarchy (choice d) had several strong supporters even though Jefferson warned about the dangers of a system where elected officials were not beholden to the people, but to their political party. Additionally, answer d represents the system closest to the functioning of current Executive and Legislative Branches. It would not be socially correct to criticize the current administration in this fashion by maintaining that it was not a wise choice. Therefore, the correct answer must be b: a Constitutional Republic. After all, Republicans have been held in contempt before they existed, and the Constitution is meaningless because it is too rigid.
- What is the definition of “is” (as a verb):
a) The internet domain name for Iceland.
b) Third person singular present indicative of be.
c) Abbreviation for Island.
d) Cannot determine from information given.
The correct answer is d. See Bill Clinton, 1998 grand jury testimony.
The SCAM test should be ready in time for student loan applications for the 2014-2015 school year. The DOE wants to assure people that this deadline is firm; they did not go to HHS contractors to develop the system.
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