Editor’s Note: Below you’ll find a creative explanation for what has recently transpired between the Obama teams negotiators, Iran and Israel. In as concise and easy to understand a manner as possible we have the story of a very, very bad deal.
“Foolishness is indeed the sister of wickedness.” —Sophocles
Barry Arrives on the Scene
Once upon a time, there were two girls named Amy and Izzy. They were great friends, and they always stuck up for each other. Amy’s mom married a man named Barry, who immediately started doing things, whenever Izzy came over to visit, to alienate Izzy. He did not want Amy to be friends with Izzy, anymore.
The Wicked Man
There was a wicked man who lived across the street, named Ira. He was always threatening to rape and kill Amy and Izzy. Barry found out that Ira ran a criminal enterprise and actually had some of the neighbors murdered from time to time. Sometimes Ira was allowed to date the neighbors’ daughters, in hopes of appeasing him, but none of the relationships ever worked out. Ira never kept his commitments.
Death to Izzy! Death to Amy!
Ira was not trying to date Amy or Izzy. He despised the two young ladies and would daily cry out, “Death to Izzy! Death to Amy!” Ira engaged in this behavior repeatedly for all to hear. But everyone in the neighborhood excused the behavior. Although Ira was an awful man, he possessed some valuable things, and everyone wanted to trade with him, so his behavior was constantly excused. Also, Ira’s children had married into many of the families on the block, so, to keep peace in their respective families, the neighbors refrained from criticizing their in-law.
One day, Barry decided to enter into negotiations with Ira to marry off Amy to him. Barry said it was the best way to protect Amy. After Ira had received enough bribes, he finally said he was willing to negotiate a marriage contract. But, whether Ira was married to Amy or not, his plan to rape and murder both her and Izzy was non-negotiable. In fact, his plan was to rape and kill Amy’s friend Izzy first, right before Amy’s eyes, and then do the same to Amy. Ira daily chant remained, “Death to Izzy! Death to Amy!”
Barry was undeterred, for he had decided Amy needed to be married to Ira. He told Amy not to worry, though. “I am going to make sure that there is nothing he can do to harm you,” said Barry. “I am a great negotiator, and I promise you a good deal on your marriage contract.”
The Marriage Contract
After 20 months of negotiation, a marriage contract was struck. Even the neighbors pitched in to help negotiate. Many of Ira’s children had put pressure on their spouses and in-laws to support it, so the neighborhood gave its blessing—even signed on as witnesses to the deal.
Then Barry revealed the terms to Amy. “It’s a great deal,” he said. “Ira agrees not to rape or kill Izzy or you for a decade. And, in exchange, since you and Izzy are black belts in karate, I have agreed to teach him all the best methods for countering any karate moves you or Izzy might make to defend yourselves.”
The entire time Barry was explaining the marriage contract, Ira was yelling at the top of his lungs, “Death to Izzy! Death to Amy!” He had actually been doing this for the entire duration of the negotiation, signaling his intentions in a sick and depraved way. But Barry was undeterred, claiming Ira was just doing that for rhetorical purposes, because it is what the members of his household liked to hear.
Gold and Cash
Barry also explained that he was giving lots of gold and cash to Ira, even though it was well-known that Ira always spent a great deal of wealth to hire hit men to kill his enemies and rivals. “Why didn’t you at least wait, to make sure he was treating me well, before giving him money?” Amy asked. You could have given him smaller portions, over the years, as his good behavior towards me continued.
A Way of Doing Business
“I just trust Ira not to harm you. I know he will likely use the money to murder some of our neighbors, but trusting Ira is just how I do business,” said Barry.
“Well,” at least you can come over to check on me 24/7, to verify that everything’s okay,” said Amy, as Ira’s cries of “Death to Izzy! Death to Amy!” continued from across the street.
“Actually, I have to call Ira and give him 24 days’ notice before I can come over to see if he is abusing you,” Barry said.
The Deal Is the Deal
“Well, Ira told me that ‘anytime/anywhere’ access just doesn’t exist, and never has existed. And I believe him. The deal is the deal,” Barry insisted.
The Murderous Commitment
“Death to Izzy! Death to Amy!” erupted from across the street. Ira and his household were shouting their murderous commitment.
“Oh, by the way,” said Barry, “there are some secret codicils to this marriage contract that obligate you to certain things, but you won’t know what they are, because I won’t tell you. So, you’ll just have to trust me.”
The Proffered Pen
“Death to Izzy! Death to Amy!” The voices from Ira’s place grew louder.
“Here,” said Barry, proffering a pen to Amy. “Sign.”
What should Amy do?
What would you do?
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